btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
