I wish you could order shots online.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
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