just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
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