Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
