So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Randomize
