It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
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