Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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