I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
