I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
