That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
