i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
