Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
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I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
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I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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