This is not my ceiling
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Randomize
