i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
