I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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