I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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