Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
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