mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
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