I'm going to jail i love you
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
All I want is dick and wine.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
