the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
