you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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