we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
