ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
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