I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
