To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
