Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
