Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
