I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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