then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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