Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
