i just had sex bonerless
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Randomize
