Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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