please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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