I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
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The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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