OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
