Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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