i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Randomize
