My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
