he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Randomize
