Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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