You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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