OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
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