So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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