Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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