Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
