her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
My Sexting was not on an AP level
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Verdict: uncircumcised.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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