So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
