YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Randomize
