I'd wear matching sweaters with you
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Well I just put wine in my tea
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
