Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
