what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
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