Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Randomize
