My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
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