I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
