can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
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