I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Randomize
