I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
