K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
