At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
