im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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