I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
