Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
