I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
