I think I died a long time ago.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Randomize
