I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
FUCK WHALES
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
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