We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I think I won the penis lottery.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
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