I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
